Month: January 2016

I’ve been dreaming of this trip for some time now. Imagining what it would be like to go somewhere new all on my own and spend some time by myself. At first I thought it would be one or two nights just outside Portland, but then I started looking at Amtrak. I love taking the train. Its so chill compared to flying or driving. Just show up, get on, and relax. No crazy security checks, no waiting for two hours, just get on the train and go. I soon realized that I didn’t want to go north and going south meant heading into the mountains, where it is cold and snowy. So eventually I decided to take the train past the cold mountains and into California. Southern California would have been ideal (so much awesome skating), but I didn’t want to have to sleep on the train for two nights. I eventually settled on San Fransisco. Once I saw this adorable room from which I am typing this, I was sold.

Instead of being completely alone I have two roommates and two house pets around. That means if I feel the need for some socializing its built in. I’ve also already called Ace twice. I miss him a lot. I thought I would miss Mark the most, but I miss Ace the most. I wish he could share my adventure with me. I wish he could see the sights, and smell the smells, and walk all over the neighborhood. But I know I need this. I can’t remember the last time I felt so free. I’m doing whatever I want. I’m making the decisions, and living with the consequences. I know the vacation wouldn’t be the same if he were here. There would inevitably be conflict, there would be give and take, and 99% of the time thats just fine. But right now, there is none of that and its a nice a break. I don’t have to worry about what shows I watch or what games I play. I don’t have to worry if Ace likes it or if its safe for Mark. Its a vacation just for me for the fist time ever.

On the train I mostly played my new 3Ds (a modern gameboy) that Ace gifted me before the trip. I had dinner with three wonderful woman, all older than my mother. Two were on their way to a weekend away with 8 other women in a tiny mountain hotel. They were very excited for a weekend of “wine and cards.” The other woman was traveling to see her daughter and grandchildren in Klamath Falls, where it is very cold and snowy. She kept complaining about how her daughter had to live in such a cold place and her granddaughter had such a cold hobby of ice skating. It was very lighthearted and sweet. After dinner I played more 3ds and read on my kindle. Sleep was elusive. It was very hard to sleep in the coach car. So bad that I’m going to see if they have any roomettes I can upgrade to for the ride home. I got less than 5 hours of sleep and it was very broken.

Despite the terrible sleep I woke up for the last time just before 7am excited for the day. The conductor soon told us we were ahead of schedule and had just a little over 30 minutes till our stop! There was water and palm trees and SUN outside! California!

Taking the bus transfer was simple enough and soon I was stepping off in a new city, with only a vague idea of where I was and how to get to where I needed to go. Instead of immediately figuring out transportation to the AirBnB like I planned I walked toward the water. I was free to go wherever I wanted, and I love being near water. After sitting by the water for a while, I decided to walk down the path. That led me to an incredible farmers market. I wish I could have bought my groceries there. It was hands down the best farmer’s market I have ever been too. Citrus, fresh veggies, and pasture raised meats as far as you could see. Everything was organic and fresh and of the highest quality. I paid an insane amount of money for a grilled cheese, sausage, and egg sandwich, but in the end it was worth it. It came with a fantastic side salad and kept me full almost all day.

I soon discovered I was at the “Ferry Building.” It was a good place to be becuase they had clean public bathrooms which can be hard to find in big cities. Soon enough I was ready to head to my lodgings, but “Super Bowl City” was in the way. Several city blocks were closed off and I had to take a long detour to find an entrance to the underground trains. Figuring out the trains was hard, and I’m sure I looked like an idiot when I couldn’t get the card to scan and let me in the station. We don’t have gates like that in Portland. You just get on. I never realized how spoiled I am by tri-met. Muni is so confusing and expensive and their phone app is garbage. Tri-met is wonderful and I’m much more thankful for that after today!

When I got off the train and came up from underground I really had no idea where I was, or where I was going. The compass in my phone wasn’t much help and I walked the wrong way down the street… pulling my heavy suitcase with my 30lb messenger bag on my back. It was pretty awful. Eventually I figured out I was going the wrong way and headed back. Only one more turn, but I got that turn wrong too and it took me three very long blocks to realize the numbers on the houses were going down and not up. I stopped and bought a bottle of water in a liquor store (they seem to be on every corner here, very different from Portland). After gulping down half the bottle I started off in the correct direction. Soon I was there, but my host was not. Didn’t matter to me, as long as I didn’t have to have my bag on my back anymore I was happy.

One I was checked in and done with the chit-chat I took a long nap. Over two hours. I felt like I was moving the whole time. After waking up groggy, I was ready to head out. I was out the door within 5 minutes of waking up and gave Ace a call while I looked for much needed caffeine. One matcha-latte and one (less than great) egg sandwich later I was reenergized and ready to explore. My only solid goal was to visit Bi-Rite, which was only a few blocks away. I’m glad I did, that place is awesome! So many incredible products all in one place. I bought myself a bag of pork rinds and looked up bookstores on my phone. There were three nearby. I found a park on the way and watched adults play dodgeball for a while. They have courts for dodgeball at the city park. Amazing.

Then I wandered to the bookstore, and after that just kept wandering. Mostly down Valencia St. There seemed to be a lot of cool stuff on that street. I went in a handful of stores, but mostly just walked. I read a lot of menus in windows and wished I had the time, money, and appetite to try all the food, but I wasn’t the least bit hungry. I took a ton of pictures on my phone. I walked and walked. Eventually I needed to find a grocery store and found a Whole Foods. It was the first place that didn’t feel foreign. It was nice to sit in a chair and drink a cold beverage after two hours of being on my feet. After that I headed back to my room and I’ve been relaxing ever since. I picked up some decent Chinese food at the end of the block and I’m drinking a local beer I picked up while I was at Whole Foods, Four Point Beer Co’s Villager IPA. Its much sweeter than a Portland IPA, but still nice and bitter.

This city shares a lot of values with Portland, but is very much its own city. The houses are a completely different style, they more are like the new homes everyone hates in Portland; skinny, tall, row houses. There is more food here. Amazing food is EVERYWHERE. You can’t escape it. There are four restaurants on this mostly residential block. In Portland the good food is only on the main roads. In this neighborhood (I have no idea what neighborhood I’m in), that is not the case at all. I’m excited to try more of the food tomorrow, and I hope to check out peir 39 and the Golden Gate Bridge. If I’m feeling spunky, I’ll walk it. If the weather is amazing, I’ll probably skate. For now, I’m looking forward to a full nights sleep not on a loud, bright, moving train.

Today is my eight day of yoga in a row. I’m proud of that. I can’t remember the last time I did anything eight days in a row. I rarely remember to take my vitamins eight days in a row. This is a real time commitment and real work, but its so good. The benefits are already huge.

I’ve struggled to find a mindfulness practice that works for me. I’ve been trying meditation for months, but each time I try its seems to fuel my anxiety more than help it. Body scans have been hell.”Notice the sensation” equals panic about the sensation. But yoga is different. It brings mindfulness to the body in a different way. It harkens me back to my days of martial arts. Being mindful of the pose and constantly working to fix it, but with the freedom to do what feels best is an incredible experience.

I’m on day eight of the Yoga Camp series on the YouTube Channel “Yoga With Adriene.” Its one of my favorite channels. The way she brings guidance while allowing and encouraging freedom in your own practice is wonderful. I did her 30 days of Yoga last year and it took me 3 months to get though it. This time I’m determined to do the videos each day as they come out, until I leave for my trip. Then I hope to finish the last two videos in San Fransisco.

What’s new with this series from the last is that she adds mantras. They aren’t the focus of the video, but its a very nice addition. I’ve used a few of them as journaling prompts already, but today I felt like writing publicly with today’s mantra, “I choose.”

I choose to live life in the slow lane; to have minimal commitments, leaving time to be with family and friends and alone with myself.

I choose to be an excellent steward of my resources including my time, property, and finances.

I choose to live a more mindful life; to slow down and focus on my breath and the world around me, to not get swept away in my own thoughts, but to curate them and to let go of the ones that don’t serve me.

I choose to be healthy; to eat healthy, to be active, to continue this yoga practice and my other healthy habits.

I choose to be peaceful and nonviolent; to communicate in the most peaceful ways possible, and in a calm loving manner, even when it is difficult.

I choose to give my best in everything I do; in writing, in parenting, in my work, in my care for my home and my family and my pets. I choose not to half-ass it.

I choose to read. I choose to be always finding new things to read to expand my center of knowledge and my experiences in ways I couldn’t otherwise. I choose to read widely and in varied genres.

I choose to have fun. I only have one wild life and I choose to experience the fullness that life has to offer though all sorts of experiences, hobbies, adventures, and games.

Most importantly, I choose to love. I choose to always be striving to love each person in my life the best I can and to keep learning what real selfless love looks like in my effort to come closer to it.

When I realized my life needed some work many months back a friend suggested I do some research into my personality. I did several tests of varying quality and came to the conclusion that I was introverted. I never really thought much about introversion vs. extroversion. I didn’t know what the difference really meant. I mean I have friends and like being around people right, Thats all extroversion really is, correct?

I’ve always had a wide circle of acquaintances in my adult life, but only a very few close friends. I usually have one or two best friends then two to three more close friends and then tons of friends who I’m only friends with on a surface level; people who I go to school or church with or share an interest with. I didn’t realize that only having a few close friends was a part of introversion, but it is. I don’t like letting people into my very innermost inner circle.

I also have learned that being introverted is why I do my best work in solitude. For example, I’m really struggling to write this while I watch two children right now, constantly losing my train of thought, but I won’t be alone until very late tonight so I have to deal with the constant noise of other people. At any moment Ace will walk in the room and just start talking to me, I’ll have to loose my entire train of thought at that point.

I’ve always been this way. I would sleep through classes in school and stay up doing my work alone in my room late into the night, until I felt it was good enough (good enough was a wide range depending on the class and my investment in the class). In college this translated to a lot of late nights alone. I actually loved my one semester in my dorm becuase my roommate was never around. I could go downstairs and get cheap easy food and then stay up late into the night working. When I was ready for a break I’d play some counter-strike on the schools high speed internet, which is something I had never had access to before. Part of me regrets not living alone longer. After one semester I was back at home because I already knew that NIU was a waste of time of money. The program I was in wasn’t what I wanted.

I didn’t live at home long though, I had experienced living away from my loud crazy home and wanted more. I started looking at apartments but my Mom thought apartments were a waste of money, “We have the money for the downpayment so you need to buy.” That sounded good at the time and ended up being a terrible decision that left me pretty broke later (but thats a story for another time). I didn’t feel right about living in a 2 bedroom condo by myself so I quickly invited one of my best friends to be my roommate. That didn’t last long, soon she was getting married and getting an apartment with her new husband. I had a very short time alone before Ace moved in. Not long after that we had our first roommate, we had roommates for the following five years, until we moved to Portland and purposefully bought a house too small to share with roommates.

In all these years I didn’t understand my introversion. I had a love/hate relationship with roommates. I hated the constant flow of people in and out of our second home. But I also loved it. We were a safe place for young people to gather and hang out, but I was so rarely alone. I kept my office a safe space. I could close myself off in there and work on long papers for school or just hide. Our large bedroom was also a sanctuary of sorts, when Mark was born I got a TV and spent many long hours holding him and watching TV from my new armchair. I went a little insane at that point from having no time alone at all. But having a baby that doesn’t sleep will drive anyone insane. We all went a little insane.

I didn’t intend this to be a history of my living situations when I sat down to write, but thats what can happen sometimes when you write. You find yourself in places you didn’t expect to go, but its good, you follow the trail where it leads.

I’m now living in Portland with only my family. I love them, I love them so much. But even this can be hard for me. I need alone time. I didn’t recognize this before, but I do now. This is what introversion is. Its a strong need for that alone time. We introverts need to be alone to recharge, to connect with our true selves, and to do our best work. I didn’t realize until recently how vital this was to my well being. I can’t be my best and be with kids 24/7. I need time alone to read, write, think, and just breath. I need it regularly and in larger doses than extroverts. I crave solitude, and have always struggled to find it, at least now I’m beginning to understand just how deep my need for it is.

I enter the door to near silence. There are all types of people here. People spanning various ages, backgrounds, and socioeconomic status.There are a few people in line to talk to the front desk librarian, she speaks softly and helps people find what they need and takes fine payments. There are always people crowded around the newest books, I skip over those becuase I don’t trust them yet. I prefer the tried and true books that have made it to the ongoing collection. There are plenty of books that are not being crowded around.

There are parents quietly reading to their children in the children’s section while I browse the beginning reader books looking for a “Fly Guy” or “Elephant and Piggie” book we have yet to read. I find one and grab it. I scan the “Captain Awesome” books, looking for the second installation while secretly hoping its not there becuase I didn’t much care for the first one, its not.

I walk back towards the non-fiction books and start browsing. I don’t know what I want, I just want more books to read. I love that I can take as much time as I want and no one cares. I can take a book off the shelf and read as much or as little as I want. It’s already as much mine as it will ever be.

A man passes me by in the cramped aisle and says “Hello.” I let out an awkward, “Hi.” I wasn’t expecting to have to talk to anyone during this visit. I tell myself a nod would have sufficed. I never know what to do in those kind of situations. I come here as much for silence as I do for the books. Often I wish for a place like the Diogenes Club (but of course more inclusive), but I have yet to find anywhere more quiet than my own home home when my son is asleep. The library is the best I have found so far, for now it has to suffice, even if people talk to me every once in a while.

There are lots of people in the back clicking away at computers.  They are mostly quiet and I don’t mind them at all. I’m glad for a place where anyone can access technology and the internet. The computers are always full. I’m not here for the computers.

As I round the next aisle I have one book in my hand, but I don’t feel finished yet, so I keep walking and very slowly browsing titles. Memoir, poetry, history, biography, sports; finally I get to the books about writing books and find another title that seems like the right choice for today. I’m surprised to find a book by an author I just recently discovered on a similar trip to Powell’s where I spent lots of time browsing. Since I’m almost finished with that book, this is the perfect choice. It seems I will be reading this authors works in reverse chronological order. Thats fine by me. I enjoy reading things in the unintended order sometimes, it gives you an entirely different perspective then reading them in the “correct” order. Sometimes thats just the perspective you need.

Between my three finds and my three holds I have a good stack to check out. I’m thankful for the computer that allows me to do so without bothering the librarian (they are always busy) and without needing to speak a word to anyone. I check out my books, renew the four others that I choose not to return on this trip, and head out the door off to “The Friendliest Store in Town” where I will have to do far more talking than is necessary to buy groceries.

What does, “Living Small and Large” mean? Well frankly, I have no idea. I just typed in things that sounded cool until one of them was actually available.

Even so, I think the title is fitting. We are a family trying to find balance. We moved from a big house in a small town, to a small house in a big town. We have a huge yard and a huge dog. I’m pretty small and so are three of my other dogs. We are a two adult household with only one car, but its a big one. When we do something we go all in, we do it up, but at the same time we value simple living and quiet time at home.

We try to live big on a small budget. I budget and track every dollar we make and spend. This makes our small incomes go so much further (I love YNAB). We live big on a small budget by eating mostly at home, but not eating garbage. We spend our grocery budget on good stuff; lots of seasonal produce, pasture raised animal products, and high quality treats (that 80% dark chocolate is calling to me). We try to keep eating out to a minimum becuase the $25 dollars we spent on a pizza tonight can go so much further at the grocery store, even at an expensive store like New Seasons. But some nights I come home and Ace is in the middle of a deep cleaning project and the house is torn apart and we order a pizza. Its ok, I budgeted for a few of those nights.

We try hard to not waste time and money on things that aren’t important to us. We keep life simple, expect in the areas that are our passions. We eat off of handed down mismatched plates and bowls. I’ve only bought a few pieces of dinnerware in my life. Pretty much only the time when all the bowls were broken and I was going to IKEA anyway, so I grabbed two cheap bowls. We drink out of mason jars becuase they only cost one dollar each and they don’t break as easily as most glasses. We just don’t value those things. It doesn’t matter what my plates look like or what they cost? Do they hold food? Works for me!

We feel that way about most household things. The desk and chair I’m using were $20 (for both) at goodwill. Our living room table was $6 and was one of my best finds. When it comes to consumer electronics though we go for quality. This laptop was over two thousand dollars, but its 10 year old this year, and still runs great. It can’t play Cities:Skylines, but I can live with that. If I had bought a cheap laptop I’d have broken at least five of them by now. We are careful about our value to dollar ratio.

We do it up when it comes to our real passions. Ace has a studio full of instruments. I’m not even going to try and count or list them all. Just go watch a few of his videos and you will see what I mean. We have relatively large collections of movies, video games, books, and music. I spent about a grand building a mini ramp in my garage for skateboarding. When its something thats really important to us we do what we can to live large! When it comes to everything else though, we live small and I really like it that way. The title of the blog was picked on a whim, yet somehow it very accurately depicts our lives.