One thing that I really wish cis people would understand is that boys and girls, men and women, aren’t that different.
I grew up constantly being told how different they were, how it was built in, it was intrinsic.
Men’s brains are like spaghetti, womens are like waffles.
Men are impulsive, women think ahead.
Girls are kind and sweet, boys are rude and loud.
Hey everyone, I just want you to know, it’s all bullshit. It’s all made up.
Its ok though, it’s actually better that way.
It means we understand each other more than we ever thought.
It means each of us gets to be our true selves.
Think of every gender trait you should embody but don’t.
Think of every time you aren’t “man enough” or “women enough.”
Now think about how none of that actually is real or matters. Let it all go.
Let it go for yourself, your partner, your kids, your parents, your friends.
Sometimes people try to back up these ideas with brain structure, which there is no modern science to back up.
Every older study which showed a difference between the sexes brains was actually just sexism at play. There is no real brain differences between the sexes.
People will then say, well its hormones, it’s the hormones make us different.
And I can attest that hormones do affect how you feel to a degree, but having lived in both an estrogen dominant body and a testosterone dominant body I’m here to say, it’s different, but not that much different.
My day to day thinking and feelings, and way of being in the world is still basically the same.
There were times I struggled with being irritable before and there are times I do now.
There were times I felt joy before and times I do now.
There were times I was sad before and times I’m sad now.
I still experience every feeling in the same way.
There just is no big significant biological difference between men and women that should or could be used to possibly justify the insane gender differences our culture expects and even demands.
Men and women both experience strong feelings of every type. They both experience the word in extremely diverse ways that are not tied to their sex. Its tied to being a human in a body.
I just want people to stop acting like men and women are different species.
We are all people, and we are at a basic level all the same.
So have some goddamn empathy for each other, becuase you are all far more alike than you are different.
Depression
The last few weeks I’ve been struggling really hard with depression.
The last two days… I’ve suddenly felt a lot better. So now, I have an even clearer view on just how deep I was.
It was bad. And the worst part is that I know it will come back. It might be tomorrow or in a week. If I’m lucky it will be years. But most likely sooner than later, because the biggest stressors that led to this most recent bout aren’t going away.
There is still a pandemic. It is the worst it’s ever been.
My business is still mostly closed. I can’t host sessions, or classes, or lessons. The things I designed my business to do and the things that make us the most money.
Luckily I do have the retail side of the shop and I’ve really bulked it up since March when we closed the first time.
This pandemic has really stretched my problem solving skills.
But you can only problem solve yourself so far.
A week or two ago I was agonizing over the fact that I couldn’t come up with the perfect plan to make up that lost income. I couldn’t figure out a way to hold outside sessions, or a venue to do lessons. I just couldn’t problem solve my way out of it. That was one of the biggest things that pushed me deeper into a place where I felt hopeless and I mostly shut down.
I’ve had moments of suicide ideation over the past few weeks. I’ve never been in any danger. I know how to handle it well enough when it comes and when it’s bad enough to get help.
The fact that it happened at all was scary and alarming though. I don’t think I’ve felt that since before I went on testosterone.
I’ve been scared to write about this or even talk about it for fear that people would think my depression is transition related. I don’t want people to think that it is becuase I’m on HRT or becuase I had surgery.
My transition is one of my greatest sources of joy! But that joy can’t out weight the heaviness of nine months of pandemic.
The only reason I am still in my home is thanks to our loan companies generous forbearance program. The only reason we have most of our bills paid (not all) and have food on the table is thanks the the generosity of friends and various aid programs.
Christmas time has brought out even more generosity in our friends and family and that has helped lighten the load on my shoulders.
Today a friend was able to give me the exact gift my son asked for this Christmas. The only thing he named which would have cost me over $100, she had in her basement and was ready to pass on.
Several friends have sent us money this month, from very small amounts to larger amounts and I greatly appreciate every dollar.
The other night frozen pizzas, soda, and a salad appeared on our doorstep.
These acts of community have lifted me out of my slump.
I also upped my dose of testosterone a bit this week after my 1 year results came back on the very low end of normal. I am absolutely sure that has played a role in my feeling better.
The reasons both for becoming depressed and for coming out of it are complex and impossible to know completely, but I know the pandemic is the largest contributor.
If you read this and you live in the US, please, stay home this holiday season. If you must see other people keep it close to home, keep it small, keep it masked.
Our lives are in your hands, and all gatherings are dangerous right now.
We can do this. We can stay home this Christmas so more people can live to see another year. Vaccines are coming. We just need a few more months to get them rolled out. Stay strong and stay home.