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Fucking Hormones

Today I was caught off guard by a big shift in hormones.

I didn’t want to get out of bed, wanted to stay forever just cuddling with my dogs.

When I finally did get up, I forgot to take my meds which is abnormal (I did eventually take them). I got dressed and tried to fix my hair. I got frustrated and gave up. I feel uncomfortable becuase I don’t like the way my hair looks/feels today.

Eventually I ate breakfast. I sat on my computer for a while. Kids arrived. I sat in the living room with the kids for a while. They have all been happy playing since they got here.

I went back to my computer where I decided to look up every house I’ve ever lived in. Most of the look radically different now. Thank God there are not new pictures of our last home as it was hard enough to see it how we left it. That one was hardest to see, it’s where I raised my baby. His crib was in one of the pictures.

I’ve been feeling intensely sad and irritable today. Yesterday I felt great. I was full of energy and happy and got so much done. Today I just want to cry and go to sleep.

It took me several hours to think about checking where I was in my cycle. My period is due in a few days. At least it only took me a few hours this time.

Sometimes after days of feeling intensely sad/angry/depressed/overwhelmed Ace is the one to ask where I am. He noticed this pattern long before I did.

The upside to this being part of a cycle is that it will end. The downside is that it comes every damn month, but its not always so bad. Some months are pretty easy.

Others are horrible.

Horrible isn’t a strong enough word. In the past its at its worse I would experience meltdowns of epic preparations.

Today its not that bad. It hasn’t been that bad in years. But sometimes it lasts much longer. I recently found out that I have a fibroid. One of the symptoms is irregular menstrual cycles. Last month that meant that I was in this PMS-y state for a long time while wondering if I had somehow beaten the odds and gotten miraculously pregnant.

I’m hoping this month I have a normal cycle and and not an extra two weeks of waiting for relief.

I’ve been told that PMS isn’t real and that makes me frustrated as I’m living it. Its always been a hard thing for me and was especially painful when I was a teen. These days its the sensory and emotional side that gets me hard.

All my sensory challenges turn up to maximum at this point and it feeds the already hard to manage emotions. I really struggle and my preferred way to deal with it is to be alone, then I know I can’t say or do anything to hurt or upset anyone.

All my weird tics and stims get stronger too. I wiggle around and chew, chew, chew. Sometimes I hurt myself accidentally by chewing my mouth or nails too much. Sometimes I just feel the need to flop around like magicarp. But thats not exactly a normal and acceptable behavior. It just makes me feel better.

I feel isolated and misunderstood. And all this just comes out of nowhere like a fucking thunderstorm. Maybe if I had been paying attention I would have seen it coming, but that wouldn’t have prevented it.

Its just me in my own body and brain dealing with what I deal with every. single. month. When everything gets really hard. And things slow down. And I’m just here. Alone. Feeling broken.

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All of the Feels

It always happens that right after I tell my therapist how great I’m doing I have a shit storm of a week. This time I felt so confident in how life was going I didn’t even schedule another appointment!

My life is a roller coaster and this week has been riding though loops. I feel both amazing and terrible all at once. I’m feeling joyous, excited, motivated, energized, while also feeling terrified, shameful, sad, hurt, and anxious. I have all my plans and all my doubts all wrapped up into one little me.

I know a big part of it was going on thyroid medication.

I’ve spent the last two years basically feeling like crap all the time. Very low energy, slow metabolism, anxiety, depression, nonspecific pain, and just feeling down for no apparent reason. A few months ago my new doctor finally helped me find an explanation, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, a not uncommon disease, and especially not surprising considering my family history of autoimmune disease. I knew someday one of them would catch me. My thyroid function isn’t actually all that terrible (according to the labs), but being the sensitive person I am, just it being a little off has affected me in big ways. So my doctor put me on a very low dose of synthetic thyroid hormone.

After a few weeks of being on my new daily pill I started feeling amazing! I was calm and comfortable in my own skin. I was motivated and energized. I felt like a new me! But a few weeks later, as the hormone built up in my body, it was too much. I started having anxiety again, but it felt different, it was more like hyper active anxiety instead of depressive anxiety. For several nights I did not sleep well and the days in between were the worst, tired but unable to rest and full of anxious energy. I emailed my doctor and after talking to me she decided to discontinue the meds. I’ve only been off a few days and it takes time for the hormone level to come down, so hopefully in a few more days I’ll start to feel more “normal” again. Whatever that means. Then we will be starting a small dose of “natural” pig thyroid to see how I do on that.

At the same time as all this I’m changing my diet. I’m totally gluten-free at this point and working toward grain free, for the month of January I’m going to attempt to follow the autoimmune protocol. If nothing else I know that will help my blood sugar, gut issues, and overall health. Eating more veggies and less sugar is never a bad thing!

I don’t know what it is about telling my therapist that life is great that always proceeds a rough week. Maybe thats the cycle of life, life is always going to have ups and downs so inevitably a period of a few good weeks will be followed by lower or more difficult period.

I do feel like I need to go in less often regardless. I’ve learned so many tools and I’ve used them well this week. I know the things that help me and ground me. I’ve been doing yoga, skateboarding, reading, writing, breathing, and it helps! Talking to Ace has been really important as well, sometimes I just need to get my thoughts and feelings out into the world and he’s been a fantastic listening ear this past week (not to mention all the great sex).

I don’t feel like I’m done with therapy, its been huge in my personal growth and I never want to stop growing, but its nice to look at my life and see that some of these things are becoming habits. I can see better when I’m anxious and what I need to do to help myself though it. I feel more confident in my own skin and like I’m more often doing the best I can with what I have. Looking at my life and seeing growth is an important step sometimes and right now I’m taking a little breather from therapy and focusing on my physical health.