One year ago I made a post celebrating my “women owned business.” We were just over one month away from the grand opening and working like crazy to finish the build. It was just one short month after the opening that I had my gender crisis™️.
Owning a business slowed down my coming out pretty significantly. I realized I was “Not-cis” so quickly after I opened the business. I had been on TV and in the paper and met hundreds of people in person how could they now possibly learn that I’m not who I just said I was.
I tried to just not come out for several months. It didn’t work. I was starting to loose it a little bit being one person at home and another at work/in public. I needed to be fully me.
Here we are a year later and I’m fully out. Lots of people still don’t really know or if they do they don’t get it. Most people still see me as a women. I’m not.
Upon my gender crisis™️ last May the first thing I knew for sure was I was definitely not a cis woman. I wasn’t sure what I was, but I knew what I wasn’t. I very quickly started using they/them pronouns and I still use them today.
This year’s international women’s day was hard. I didn’t feel right hanging out with my skater friends at an international women’s day event. I didn’t feel right at all. I was exhausted physically from a big event yesterday, and exhausted emotionally from being misgendered about 1000 times at the event. Then just add some sensory overload to all that from the same event and you’ve got a big mess.
After an early morning at work I was home at 2pm and spent nearly three hours in bed on and off napping. I woke up just feeling the weight of not fitting in.
I don’t fit in with men. I don’t fit in with women. I just don’t fit. I never have.
I’ve come to terms with my identity as a non-binary trans man, and I’m totally open to that identity potentially changing or evolving in the future, but it feels like no one else has accepted that’s who I am. People don’t do much to acknowledge it. Only those in my inner circle get my pronouns/titles correct. Most people still call me she/mom/wife.
Today, fortunately, is the day of the week my wonderful non-binary support group meets. I was able to be heard about how hard today is and have some people empathize with me in these feelings. I’ve also spent some time texting with some really supportive folks, some who have experienced transition themselves.
I needed that reminder that I am not alone. There are other people who this is their first year realizing they aren’t a women. Or maybe their relationship to womanhood has changed. Maybe this is the first year they are celebrating being a women, as is the case for my partner.
Today is not bad, it’s just complicated. I have a complicated past with womanhood and a lot of baggage to work though still. Gender is hard and I’m here for the ride.
There is a part of me that is more happy and at peace than ever before. There is another part of me that is constantly disappointed and frustrated. It feels like the part of me that was frustrated with my gender has just morphed to now be frustrated with the way the world responds to my gender.
Lets start there.
For the first time in a long I have a growing sense of character. I know who I am. But this can be hard to communicate to people who have never struggled with their gender, especially because I don’t fit easily into the gender binary. Even though I feel comfortable with calling myself a trans man now I still strongly identify as non-binary. My full answer to who I am gender wise is, “I am AJ, a non-binary trans man.” That’s too much for most people though.
Depending on my audience I introduce my gender identity differently. Usually in introductions in queer or progressive spaces I just boil it down to “I’m trans” and let them figure out what they think that means. Only in small trans or non-binary specific spaces do I bother to explain the whole thing.
Most of the time moving though the world though, I’m not introducing myself. People see me and they make an assumption of my gender, as we all do in our strongly gendered western society. 99% of the time they gender me as female. “Good morning Ma’am” “Thanks Miss” “Nice Lady” I get these all. the. time. every. single. day.
Twice now someone has greeted me as “Sir” and then “corrected” themselves to “Ma’am.” These interactions give me hope. I’m starting to confuse a few people. Confusion is better than being read as female all the damn time.
This is one of the only negative parts of my transition thus far. Each day being misgendered over and over starts to wear on you. You get tired and frustrated and sometimes I just need to go home and have a really big cry. I think any man walking though the world being called a woman non-stop would feel similarly frustrated. I expect many would react much more angrily in the moment, whereas most of the time I just grimace and move on.
Passing is complicated and problematic, but I would rather be read as a man than a woman if I had to choose. The lack of this out in the world can really get me down.
Let’s move on to the good stuff.
I’m happy. Overall I’m happy and less stressed and less anxious than I was a year ago. All of my close friends get my name right now and most of them get my pronouns correct (they/them). I love this. It makes me feel right inside. There are times people deadname me, and I honestly don’t realize they are talking to me. Changing my name to something not strongly gendered has allowed me to fully explore who I am with less baggage and expectations that come with a strongly gendered name.
I enjoy seeing myself in the mirror (at least above the chest) which is something I’ve never experienced before. I used to look in the mirror and see a stranger, I would stare at them and say “Who are you?” Now I see a boy hitting adolescence, just a bit later than most do and I smile. Even though my cowlicks frustrate me, I enjoy doing my hair. I love getting tips from other guys on how to style it. I have a reason to care for the person in the mirror, I like them. I want to be them. I want to be this version of me.
I need to shave now. I LOVE shaving. It’s one of the single most affirming things I’ve ever done.
My dad died so young I have very few memories of him, none of him shaving. But I remember strongly staying over at my cousin’s house at a young age and watching their dad shave in the morning. I was fascinated. I remember the smell of the shaving cream, the water running, him rinsing the razor and looking closely in the mirror. Now I have enough facial hair to need to do the same every few weeks or look like patchy 14 year old boy (which looks extra weird when you have a large chest ). I’m obsessed with my mustache stubble (the only part that feels like real stubble so far, just give me another year or two) and I’m looking forward to being able to really rock the full stubble look.
I love the way my relationship with my partner has changed. This might be the most wonderful and fulfilling part of it everything so far. She understands what I need better than anyone in the world. She knows when to throw those masculine terms in to just make me perk up and help me feel great. She also understands that most of the time I feel best with neutral terms and pronouns. She just gets it, and the way we interact has changed a lot, for the better. We are constantly checking in with each other about gender stuff, and looking out for each other. We communicate well and affirm each other in new and wonderful ways.
There is something different about the energy I exude now. It just feels very masculine and just… right. I know that sounds woo as shit, but I really don’t know how else to explain it. It’s taken me a long time to allow myself space to feel and express myself in this way becuase its always always felt off limits. The space I inhabit mentally feels like it’s less work now, less of a performance and more natural. I can just be.
More practically speaking (and the question most often asked), is about how I feel physically. Being on Testosterone has made me hungry, horny, hot, and hairy. Also pimply. The acne is getting really bad, but it comes in waves. One week it will be awful and painful and everywhere, and the next week will be mostly ok. From what I understand this will get worse over the coming months, and then, hopefully, slowly better. I have a routine and it seems to be helping, but it’s just part of the process of going through some extra puberty.
I’m so hungry that some days I feel like I can’t stop eating. I’ve definitely gained weight, and gotten larger in both my gut and my shoulders. I’ve gone up a shirt size, but my pants still fit fine. I’m not a gym rat, but I try to do full body strength training at home a few times a week and I went from barely being able to do pushups to doing ten quite easily in a very short while. I’m looking forward to continuing to gain strength and very much looking forward to some fat redistribution, even if it means a bigger belly.
I don’t want to go too deep on the horny part except to say it’s confusing and hard to work though and somehow good all at once. My whole experience of sexuality is shifting so massively despite the fact that I don’t experience much in the way of sexual attraction. It seems like something that’s still evolving rapidly at this point.
I’m hotter. I’m just straight up warmer than I used to be. I’m not in hoodies and shivering all the time. I’m sweating at the skatepark when its 65 degrees, and then I come home to our 70 degree house and it feels like a furnace. I wake up sweaty at night and pull of all my blankets. I’m very worried about summer, as I already don’t do well in heat. I will be getting our pool fixed before any hot days come and probably have the AC on more often!
Lastly, the hair. I already talked about shaving above, but I’ve already got more body hair, and I love it. Every time I get out of the shower I take stock of how much its grown and I revel in it. At least one trans friend of mine is jealous (haha, sorry dude). Lots of trans guys want body hair and struggle to grow it. That’s not gonna be a problem for me, the men in my family tend to be pretty hairy, so it’s in my genes and I can literally see the progress every week. I’m going be a short bear before you know it.
Overall, I’m so happy with where I am and where I am going. There are growing pains along the way, but no real growth comes easily.
I’ve made a few videos while I’m doing my Testosterone shot at home. I’ve actually started to enjoy this. I don’t edit them or script them. I turn on my camera on my phone and talk for 5-10 minutes. Today I made a thumbnail for the first time!
So sit down and watch some trans thoughts™ if that sounds interesting to you.
I started doing it slowly, but eventually had to kind of do it all at once when I decided I needed everyone in my life to call me AJ.
There are a lot of peripheral people in my life I don’t see very often. Some I haven’t seen in years. They don’t necessarily read my blog or follow my instagram or my youtube channel.
The word is getting around. They are finding out I am trans, they are finding out I’m changing my name and pronouns. They are finding out I am on testosterone. They are finding out I want top surgery.
They are finding out from family and friends. They aren’t talking to me or asking me questions.
They are reacting. And the reactions are mixed.
Today I heard about one family member who cried. She cried tears of loss in hearing I’m transitioning. She told my mom she was sorry for her loss.
My Mom had a bit of hard time at the beginning of all this, but now she’s an incredible ally. She tells people, “My kid is happy, why would I be sad?”
Today we talked openly about names. I said “I want to go by AJ, but when I legally change my name I want to write a full name and I want your opinion on what that should be.” She suggested “Al” becuase that’s what she’s called me for much of my life. I don’t want to put “Al” on my legal documents. Maybe Alex, becuase Al could be short for that. I told her I liked Adam, which is what I know she would have named me if I had been assigned male at birth.
She was worried about me picking a name that belonged to one of my cousins. I reminded her I wouldn’t be going by that new name necessarily, I really like AJ, and even if I did, I haven’t been in the same room as one of those cousins in probably 10 years.
We didn’t discuss this, but I literally have two sisters both named Sam (blended families ya’ll). People having the same name isn’t that big of a deal.
The difference between my mom, and those other people who cried, is that she is celebrating with me. She is choosing to listen, directly to me, and learn both from me and from other resources about trans people and trans experinces. She’s also known me my whole life and isn’t terribly surprised. I spent most of my childhood trying to be one of the boys.
Not every trans person pushed against their assigned gender from a young age. But I definitely did.
Grieving me when you aren’t even listening to me is the worst thing I can hear. If you care, call. If you care, listen. If you care, learn.
People aren’t bothering to even learn the very basics of trans identities and it fucking hurts.
I’m still me. I’m the exact same person I’ve always been. I’m the best version of myself yet. I’ve had so much time to grow and learn. I’ve moved though careers and life stages and I even run my own damn business now!
I love my life. I love it so much.
I can’t imagine still holding on to the role of woman that was so uncomfortable for so long. It just wasn’t right. It never was. Not when I was 3 or 13 or 33.
I’m learning to love myself as a trans person, and I wish you could learn to love me too.
Don’t grieve me. Celebrate me. Because for the first time in my entire life, I’m starting to do that. I’m celebrating myself, I’m celebrating myself as a trans man and I just want my family and friends to get to know me and celebrate with me.
I like myself enough now that I take regular selfies. I never would have thought I could like a picture of myself a year ago! Now I love almost all of them!
It’s fall in Portland and the rain is back, earlier than usual. It’s only September 9th and its rained for the past few days. There was even a small tornado yesterday. Fall is here, and with it, deep breaths.
I have some room to breath again. I made it through the first summer at the skatepark. Fourteen hour days, and seventy hour weeks. Camp was hard, but it kept the park open through the summer. Next summer will be even better.
I have space to make time for my child, and dishes, and reading, and writing. I’ve actually been writing much more the last two weeks, finally! It’s been a long summer of barely surviving; not enough sleep, no time for myself, and no energy to help at home. But here I am with a new balance. The park is doing ok, and I’m doing ok too.
Alongside running summer camp I was dealing with my own internal crisis of gender. It was in May when it first hit, a few experinces plus reading a book (Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe) had me questioning everything I thought I knew. I was exposed to new ideas and new terms in my journey of becoming a better LGBTQ Ally. Terms like “gender queer” and “non-binary”. I also read more stories of trans people, and through it all I realized, I’m one of them.
I’m not-cis.
I don’t have to fight to stay in the box. Even though this has been incredibly difficult it’s mostly been freeing.
It’s terrifying to question who you are at your core and that’s exactly what I was doing. It has been a harder change than losing my faith or discovering I was autistic. This wrecked me. I’m still scared. Most people don’t get it. I haven’t told all that many people yet, or maybe I have. I don’t tell strangers. I don’t have the energy to explain myself to them. When it comes down to practical day to day stuff I still walk though the world like a woman. But I’ve stopped forcing myself to feel like one on the inside. Which is hard to explain, unless you’ve experienced it.
I’ve always felt like I was trying to fill a role, and doing a really bad job at it. This role of “Girl” and “Woman” was a part I felt like I was required to play. Over the years I’ve slowly let go of many of the pieces, but internally, even if I was breaking many gender roles, I still felt like I was trapped in a box. A box that isn’t right. I’m not a girl. I’m not sure if I’m a boy. I often felt deeply jealous at all the boys around me as a child, but I’m not sure that I’m “binary trans.” But I know for sure I am not a cis-woman, thats why I really like the broad label of “non-binary.” I don’t fit in the binary. I’m something other.
I don’t feel like playing teacher, you can go learn for yourself that this type of gender is not really new. There have been genders outside the binary for basically as long as there have been people. It was the rigid gender roles of the first half of the 20th century that worked so well to erase anyone outside the cisgender and heterosexual “norm.”
There has been a big shift in trans visibility in the past few years (in that it exists) and this is feeding itself. As more people are exposed to these ideas more people can find their own identities, including myself. I don’t think I knew any out trans people until I was an adult. The only gender bending I saw as a child were butch lesbians and gay men in drag. I didn’t feel gay my (extremely rare) childhood crushes were all on boys, so I didn’t feel like I fit in the lesbian box so many people put me in as a child and young person.
Over the past few years I’ve been exposed to an increasing number of trans and non-binary people and I’ve found myself drawn to them in an unexplainable way. Not a crush, but more like a friend crush. I want to get to know them and hear their experiences. Maybe I’m weird, but It felt like and unspoken kinship. Each of these people has been instrumental in my own path of self-understanding and acceptance, because this hasn’t been easy. Figuring out you aren’t cis is an ugly slap in the face. You have to look at yourself and realize you are different from a lot of people and that with that is going to come some really hard shit. And you have the choice to affirm what you know is real or to deny it and suffer in silence as to not cause trouble for your family and community.
With my own slow self-acceptance has come hardships. Having to come out over and over again is really hard. I hate being vulnerable, and I hate having to explain things to people that are so intimate. I never had to explain my gender before, why should I have to now?
I’ve been really quiet in most spaces about what I am going through, and my own preferences. I don’t want to cause trouble. I don’t want to ask people to change what pronouns they use for me, even harder is asking for people to use another name.
I just don’t feel like my birth name and pronouns line up with who I am. They don’t fit, it’s like a shirt I grew out of. I can wear it if I have too, but its not comfortable, and all day I’m reminded that I should really put on another one.
At the same time I love my name because it was given to me by my parents. My name is one of the only things my dad gave me.
That’s why for now I’m starting to ask people to start calling me A.J. my first two initials. It honors my parents and grandparents, but feels so much more comfortable. I’ve also started asking people to use “They/Them” pronouns and switched them in all my bios several weeks ago.
I’ve actually played around with this version of my name in my head my whole life. I’ve always liked it, much more than the nicknames I’ve been given over the years to the point I’ve often thought about using it for a child. But now I’m finally going to claim it for myself, because my comfort and well being do matter.
My name is A.J. and I’m non-binary.
The other day I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror at the skatepark and it made me genuinely happy. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that before when seeing my own image. So I took a rare selfie.
